Renewal 2010: Time To Get Real

Once upon a time I was single, thin, a runner, in shape and twenty-three years old. That was 10 years ago. A husband, a child, 3 businesses, 4 moves, 3 cars, a Bachelor's degree and 70 pounds ago.

In that time I have found myself then lost myself. Lost weight then gained it back. Felt real pain and felt real joy.

There is only one thing of the past ten years that I would like to trade, or better yet, LEAVE in the past...
those 70 pounds.

A measly 7 pounds gained per year.

Just over 1/2 a pound gained per month.

How could something so small mean so much and have such a huge impact?

I have (slowly but surely) allowed those 70 pounds to control my life.

When I am being real and honest with myself, I can see that the loss of control was (is) voluntary. I am the one who made bad food choices. I am the one who sat on the couch (or at my computer) more than pounding the pavement. I am the one who chose to "eat, drink, and be merry" rather than exercise some restraint.

Today I am suffering the consequences of my choices. And friends, it's a tough pill to swallow. This week I hit my all time high - in weight that is. It took everything in me not to crumple right there, on my scale, and give up. I don't even know what I want to give-up, since I'm only half-way trying.

In my family, there are overweight women. These are people I care about. People I love. Somehow I have to reprogram myself. I don't want some internal part of myself feeling like in order to fit in and be loved I have to be overweight too. I know it sounds twisted, but it happens. So, I ask again. The same question I have asked here. Where do you find your inspiration. THEN, after you are inspired, what do you DO. What is your very next action step?

Some people will read this and have no idea what I am feeling or talking about. I hope you will never take your healthy body for granted. Some people will read this and KNOW what I am talking about because they are living it too. I hope you will join me in figuring it out and getting real.

2010 is my year!!

Wondering what happened to me?

 Spring!!

The sunshine, blue skies, peach blossoms, and tulips have been far more enticing then my computer in the basement.

Also, on a personal note, I am having a renewal of sorts. Spiritually speaking. How did I get so far off track? Church on Sunday is something I look forward to. It's the everyday spiritual living I have terribly neglected.

My first solution has been to take up my morning walks again. During this time, I listen to one of my favorite books and an inspiring talk on my iPod while walking in a beautiful, church-owned orchard. It has been good for my soul.

Just this morning, I was "asked" a simple, thought provoking question, "how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." In hearing this, I was brought to tears. How IS it that I have forgotten? I have witnessed so many miracles in my 30-something years, how could I have forgotten?


So, as I enjoy this weather and renew myself, I may be sporadic in my posts. However, I may also find myself needing to share this process with you. Only time will tell...

Spiritually Prepared

There has been a lot of talk around the internet regarding blogging and spirituality. Do they go together? If so, how do you gracefully and respectfully express yourself? And finally, do you even bother being graceful and respectful? I mean, it is MY blog, right? Anyway, these are the thoughts trotting through my mind today.

Interesting that this has been on my mind, because I also received a very timely quote today.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to
return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order for us to be
tested, we must face challenges and difficulties. These can break us, and
the surface of our souls may crack and crumble—that is, if our foundations
of faith, our testimonies of truth are not deeply embedded within us."
 
-- Thomas S. Monson,"Being Spiritually Prepared"

Honestly? If I had known the struggles I am facing today were coming up, if I had been given advance notice (if only), I would have done a few things differently. I would have saved my money better. I would have stayed closer to a dear friend who no longer talks to me. I would have followed my gut instinct more often. I would have not purchased my green car. I would have eaten less fast food and more apples and celery. I would have... I would have... I would have...

However, after reading President Monson's words, I can see that I'm not supposed to get advance notice. I'm supposed to navigate these difficult times by trusting the Lord and having faith that He, indeed, is in charge. DAILY, I remind myself that as long as I am doing my best, the Lord will make up the difference. He knows my heart and my desires. All will be as it should.

In the mean time...

"Come what may and love it!"

Every Day Miracles

When I slow down, pause and look around me, I see the miracles in my life. I believe I would see them every day if I would but take the time. I hope to work on that. I want to better recognize my every day miracles, be grateful, and then share them. Many are too close to my heart to share here in the blogosphere, but there are many others that need a voice.

With that in mind, let me share a little story. I know it's one you have heard.

"The Lord directed Elijah to go to Zarephath and dwell with a widow who lived there. When he arrived in that city Elijah saw the widow gathering sticks. Thirsty from his journey he said to her, “Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.” As she turned to go for the water, Elijah also asked if he might have a little piece of bread.

“As the Lord thy God liveth,” the woman answered, “I have not a cake [bread], but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse [jar]: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it [make a small loaf of bread] for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.”

Elijah’s heart was touched by her words. He knew that there was famine in the land because the grain needed precious rainwater and full streams to make it grow. Nevertheless, the prophet tested the woman’s faith and, hoping to ease her mind, he said, “Fear not; go and do as thou hast said: but make me a little cake [bread] first, and bring it unto me, and after make [bread] for thee and for thy son.

“For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, the barrel of meal [flour] shall not waste [become empty], neither shall the cruse of oil fail [run dry], until the day that the Lord sendeth the rain upon the earth.”

And it was true as the Lord promised through his prophet. Each day there was enough meal and oil for the widow and her son and Elijah to have bread to eat."

- Bread Enough to Eat, 1 Kings 17:8-16

This morning as I was putting in my first load of laundry I thought, "I better check my detergent. It must be getting low." Sure enough, it's getting low. I went and put it my shopping list. But, low and behold, it's already on the list! I scratched it off and then continued reviewing the ever growing list. To my utter amazement I noticed that I had crossed detergent off my list FOUR TIMES (without having ever purchased it at the store). Seeing that got me thinking. When was the last time I bought laundry detergent? Hmmm... Well, it was...

Pause.

Silence.

Then it hits me.

The detergent in my cabinet is the bottle my mom bought me in JANUARY. Yes folks, my laundry detergent has managed to last nearly 8 months. If I do the math, we should have run out sometime around the beginning of April.

Many things have happened during the last 8 months. My husband has worked his tail off for little to no pay (self-employed). We had our nephew live with us for about 6 weeks. Both my husband and myself work in presidencies for the youth of our church. Gratefully, we have had to accept the help of our church to get groceries and pay our utilities (initially very discouraging, but now a spiritual and humbling thing to do). In short, we have struggled, like so many, to make ends meet and to find enough time in the day to get everything done.

In the midst of our hustle and bustle existence the Lord is DAILY giving my family a little (yet so big) miracle. He is refilling my detergent bottle much like he did the oil and flour for the woman of Zarepath. How long have I missed this miracle? I am so grateful to see it now.

What is your miracle today?

To all of you who feel like giving up

A friend on facebook posted this and I liked it so much I wanted to share it with you. There isn't much else to say except that he is right.

Live to Serve

"We can lay down our lives for those we love not by physically dying for them but rather by living for them—giving of our time; always being present in their lives; serving them; being courteous, affectionate, and showing true love for those of our family and to all men—as the Savior taught."

--Elder Claudio R. M. Costa, "Don't Leave for Tomorrow What You Can Do Today", October 2007 General Conference

Where do you find YOUR inspiration?

One of my favorite nieces (wink, wink) has got me hooked on a new blog. It is a woman who has successfully lost 70 POUNDS and looks terrific!! As I have been reading her past posts I have been thinking about inspiration and where it comes from. These past few weeks I have been finding GOBS of inspiration from my new blogger friends out in the great big blog universe. These women that have inspired me are moms who have made time for themselves, their sanity and their health. I want to grow-up and be like these women.

About 8 years ago I was fresh off my mission, attending college and trying to meet new people in a new town I NEVER thought I would actually live in. One night after a particularly hard run (yes, I ran then) I was lying in my driveway and realized for the first time in my life that I could actually disappear and nobody (except my family) would know I was gone. It was frightening and eye-opening at the same time. It was the first time in my 23 years that I was actually going to live my life for just me! No parents, no YW leaders, no "best friends" (they all lived 1000 miles away), no mission presidents or companions. It was up to me as to what I would spend my time doing. After the initial shock of this realization wore off I was EXCITED!! That's when I really hit the pavement, literally! I had always wanted to run and I made it a priority. I found a job I loved and left he job I hated. I took classes in college that interested me, I dated only the guys that I wanted to and did NOT feel guilty when I said "no" to the guys I didn't want to date. It was during this time of freedom and discovery that I met my husband. We dated off and on for almost 3 years. I ran through the stresses and the joys of my life. I was healthier than I had ever been and looked fabulous (I'm telling the truth here)!

After getting married I fell into a serious slump. The job I LOVED went really bad and I quit, I wasn't motivated to go back to school and the pounds climbed on. Now, 5 years later, I am nearly50 pounds heavier than I was the day I met my husband. The scale is a constant reminder of that time in my life. So back to inspiration...

These women I have met seem to have mastered the "I'm not good enough, so why try" mentality. It is only recently that I have really been bothered by my size, my health condition and my lack of personal time. I feel like I have given up on me in order to love, support and be there for my family. Why do we, as women, do that? Why does caring for a family seem to have to come at the high price of who we were before the husband and kids? Now don't get me wrong. This is all self-inflicted. I have a husband that would do anything I needed him to if it meant I could be happier with me. My daughter is only 13 months old and she thinks I am great no matter what I look or feel like.

So today I commit to you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, that I am making a change. Like a new friend of mine said in her post today, I am going "to find a different reward to get the mmmmmmm" (see her post here). In other words, food will no longer be how I handle the stresses and joy in my life. I want to run again! I want to feel strong again! I want to BE an inspiration for someone out there who feels like me!

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!