Saturday, September 1, 2007

I Believe

On this eve of Fast Sunday my mind is drawn to Jesus Christ. His life. His death. The words to the song I Believe in Christ, the third verse, come to mind.

"I believe in Christ- my Lord, my God! My feet he plants on gospel sod. I'll worship him with all my might; He is the source of truth and light. I believe in Christ; he ransoms me. From Satan's grasp he sets me free, And I shall live with joy and love In his eternal courts above."
My life right now feels jumbled and something I don't even recognize anymore. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. Last night we decided to go on a walk as a family. I needed the fresh air. I was feeling claustrophobic in our little home and needed to break out! As I pushed my daughters stroller my mind was blank. I had nothing to talk about. My poor husband was stuck walking in complete silence next to someone who had nothing to contribute. I felt empty.
Someone I love very much has hurt me deeply and in a way I thought would never happen. How can I heal and forgive? I know that all healing, fullness, strength and forgiveness come through Christ. I
KNOW that. I have lived my life that way. It's all I know. BUT... now that I have to really put it to the test I am afraid. What if the healing doesn't come? What if I am unable to forgive? What if this emptiness fills me completely? Isn't it funny that "emptiness" can fill a person? It finds every corner and fills it up. It actually moves things out of the way and takes over! How rude! :)

As much as I want to hand this burden over I find it hard to. The fear creeps in and tells me to hold on to my hurt so that I can at least save myself from hurting more. Don't talk about it. Don't think about. Pretend it's not there. Well, that's what I have done for 2 weeks and all I have to show for it is the emptiness.

I have much to pray for on this eve of Fast Sunday, many things to fast and pray for. Mostly me.