Looking Back to Look Forward

In order to tell my story, we will have to look back. Two years ago. In some ways, it's been a short two years. In other ways, it's been a lifetime. The lifetime of a child.

Two years ago I wrote about a horrific plane crash that changed my family forever. For you to understand and appreciate how we have become "four" you will need to read a handful of posts from 2008. On August 19th I wrote about Perspective. Little did I know how close to home this post would hit. On August 25th I was too heartbroken to say much. On August 30th I was Ready to talk about it. Finally, on September 16th, I shared what happened and my realization that Life Goes On (some of the links/images no longer work-sorry).

In the aftermath of such tragedy, the fact that life does go on almost feels inappropriate. How can life continue moving forward when there is so much lost? However, comfort, peace, and healing only come when you let go and give in to moving forward. It's a difficult dichotomy, but very true.

Another Icon Gone

(Dirty Dancing)

Patrick Swayze died today. Only 57 years old. Too young. I have always loved him, both as an actor and as a positive member of society. The last paragraph of an article I read (find it here) said this...

(Point Break)

"Mr. Swayze's family and fans (and who is not?) might find comfort in remembering Point Break, in which he says, 'It's not tragic to die doing what you love.' Or The Outsiders, where as the big brother counseling his baby bro, he says, 'Just because you lose somebody, you don't stop living.'"

(The Outsiders)

In my teen years I attended a lot of dances with my youth group. Inevitably, if anyone found a girl standing off to the side not dancing someone would say, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!". I remember reading and loving the book The Outsiders. What a terrific surprise to find the movie also fantastic! And who can forget watching Ghost for the first time? ZOW-EE! Every girls dream of how romance should be.

(Ghost)

In respectful memory I share one of my all time favorite Patrick Swayze memories.

Laugh and enjoy!

(click the above link to go to YouTube and watch Patrick Swayze dance with Chris Farley-hilarious!)

Leave a comment telling me
your favorite Patrick Swayze
memory (movie) and why.

I'm Overflowing

Thank you to everyone who helped make my husbands surprise birthday party a HUGE success! It was actually a surprise! I was so worried that Matt had found out and was just humoring me by not mentioning he already knew. Also, the book of your memories of Matt will be treasured always. He has loved reading each one. I believe every married couple should have to put a book like this together for their spouse. My love and appreciation for my husband has grown as I have seen him through the eyes of so many others. He is loved and cherished by more than just me and Mattie.



On a more subdued note, today is the day. I have loads of laundry to do so that Mattie and I can drive to SLC tomorrow morning. I have the overwhelming task of helping sort through and clean my grandfather's house. He died last Thursday, for those who haven't been here to my blog for awhile. I am honored to be apart of this project. I feel like it will be therapeutic to go through my grandparents personal items. It will give me a chance to say a final good-bye. To them as my grandparents, to the house I have spent 30 years going to, to the place that holds so many memories ranging from my earliest memories to just this last December.

In the April LDS General Conference Thomas S. Monson spoke about losing loved ones, he said:

Recently I was looking through some family photo albums. Cherished memories flooded my mind as I came across image after image of loved ones gathered at family outings, birthdays, reunions, anniversaries. Since these photographs were taken, some of those beloved family members have departed this life. I thought of the words of the Lord, "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die."¹ I miss each one who has left our family circle.

Though difficult and painful, death is an essential part of our mortal experience. We began our sojourn here by leaving our premortal existence and coming to this earth. The poet Wordsworth captured that journey in his inspired ode to immortality. He wrote:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!²

I couldn't have put it better. I know I will see him again, but I still sorrow his passing. I am overflowing with emotions. Between Matt's wonderful birthday, finding out about my grandpa's death the night before the party and working through all the memories that have flooded my mind, I feel like I have felt and experienced the full gamut of emotions-both good and hard. I hope to go up and embrace all that I feel and remember and then peacefully let go.

How can I say good-bye?

At 10:00pm this evening I got sad news. My grandpa, Vern Holm, died today. He died in the way we all want to, peacefully in his sleep. The neighbors noticed that his sprinklers had been on in the same in the yard place all day (for those who don't know, my grandpa was a master gardener with hardly a blade of grass out of place). When they found him he was lying on his bed. My aunts and uncles were notified and came immediately. It was my uncle who noticed my grandpa's yard bucket and hoe by the back door. We figure he had been working in the yard, got a bit winded and tired, hooked himself up to his oxygen and laid down for nap. Little did he know he would never wake-up again.

I am heart broken. All I can think is all the little things I wanted to do for him, but never found the time. He had given Mattie some money for Christmas to buy a new outfit. I have some great pictures of her in that outfit that I wanted to send to him so he could see what he had gotten her. I wish I had a picture of my grandpa holding his great-granddaughter in his arms. I wish I had sent him the letter I have been writing in my head since March (the anniversary of my grandma's death 8 years ago). I wish my husband would have had the opportunity to know him better. I wish I could have seen and talked to him one more time...

I am grateful that on his birthday in November, Matt, Mattie and I took him a gift and spent several hours there visiting and sharing stories. I am grateful to have had him in my life for 30 1/2 years. Not many adults can say the same. I am grateful he got to see his great-granddaughter in December. I am grateful for the legacy of love, story telling and hard-work he has left behind for me and my growing family. I am grateful to know that my family will be together forever. I am grateful to know that my grandma and grandpa have had a wonderful reunion after being apart for 8 long years.

Selfishly, I want him back. I want to give him one last hug and kiss.

I will miss you grandpa. I will miss your stories, your yard and your love. The stories that helped know what kind of man you are, the yard that holds so many of my favorite childhood memories and the love that gave this family light and life.

I share this with all the love in my heart, your oldest grandchild, Amy Lee