Get on Board and Believe

"What a week!"

That's what I said on Monday night as I prepared to lay my stress-filled head on my pillow. Before finally putting myself to bed, my hubby and I prayed together. We needed Divine help in a way we never had before. Along with guidance and peace we asked for a way to have 2 twin beds in time. We didn't know exactly when Zoe would arrive, but we knew our time was short. How would we make it all work? Man, was I stressed out!

At 9:00am the next morning, Zoe's caseworker called. I had just started my breakfast and Mattie was in her room getting dressed. "Amy, can we bring Zoe today? Probably later this afternoon. I will call you with an exact time after I meet with Ann." (Zoe's maternal grandmother) I was stunned. I could hardly speak. What about the beds? Am I making a mistake? Will Mattie be ok? Is it too late to back out? These are the thoughts that raced through my mind before I was able to squeak out a "Sure. If that's what you need. She can come today." After I hung-up the phone I stood in silence. What should I do first? My body wouldn't move. The reality of what we had chosen was washing over me in great waves and I felt like I would drown. What should I do first? In that instant I couldn't eat one more bite. I had to act. There was so much to do! What should I do first?

Well, the first thing I did was call Matt. He was the calm, logical one and he would know what to do. With reassurance in his voice he said everything would be ok. Just start with getting the room ready for another little girl. Then he hung-up. Before I could even walk down the stairs, Matt called back. His parents had 2 twin beds for us, bedding and all. They were preparing, AT THAT MOMENT, to drive everything to us from Richfield. After that phone call I started to cry.

I was living one of the stories you hear in Sunday School. You know the one. A family has an immediate, even desperate need. After a faith filled and heartfelt prayer, an answer comes. Miraculously. Without explanation except to say it was a gift from God. It was then that I was able to really see all the small miracles we had received over the past few weeks. Miracles that were hard to see at first. Immediately, I went to my bedroom, walked into the closet, closed the door, got down on my knees and poured my heart out. And cried some more. This wasn't the first (or last) time I would do this. My closet is the best place for such a moment. If I keep the light off, nobody knows I'm there (including children).

Eventually my caseworker called back and said they would bring Zoe first thing the next morning. Phew! Just enough time to get the bedroom ready, clean the house and FRY my nerves. Actually, as was the set standard, everything went smoothly. It was clear that God had his hand in every part of this process. He has a plan and we just need to get on board and believe.

24 Hours

One day I checked my email, not expecting anything in particular. I found a note from my grandma. My cousin's (you read about her and the plane crash in my previous post) daughter, Zoe, was in trouble and she was asking the family to keep her in our prayers. I immediately got up from my computer, went down the hall to Mattie's room and told her we needed to say a prayer for Zoe. Mattie was concerned and asked a lot of questions. I answered them as well as I could. When we were done praying, Mattie put her arm on my shoulder and told me not to worry, "Zoe's mommy will take care of her". What a sweet, intuitive child. Of course Cecilee would take care of Zoe. Nobody could do it better.

A couple days later we went up to my aunt's house, where Zoe was staying, and we had a delightful afternoon. Mattie and Zoe played all day, the family visited, and we had incredible food. At the end of the night we said out good-byes and I love yous. Matt and I went out of our way to love on Zoe for a moment. We wanted her to know she wasn't alone. After wrapping our arms around her and making a "Zoe sandwich", we drove off, unsure of what the future held for that sweet child.

About 24 hours later, after many tears and prayers, we unexpectedly expressed our desire to have Zoe. This was not in our plans. Although we had thought about it off and on for 2 years (since the plane crash), we never thought an opportunity would present itself. I struggled with how unfair it was that I would raise this little girl and not the mother who gave birth to her. I also struggled with if I would be able to love her as much as I loved and adored my Mattie. Those 24 hours were agonizing. My faithful and peaceful husband knew everything would be ok, but he patiently waited for me to come around. When I finally did, I couldn't stop thinking about Zoe. All at once I wanted her and couldn't bear the thought of her going anywhere else.

7 days later Zoe arrived.

By The Way, you can also find me at Today's Mama today. Skip on over and take a look at my article called School is in Session.

Looking Back to Look Forward

In order to tell my story, we will have to look back. Two years ago. In some ways, it's been a short two years. In other ways, it's been a lifetime. The lifetime of a child.

Two years ago I wrote about a horrific plane crash that changed my family forever. For you to understand and appreciate how we have become "four" you will need to read a handful of posts from 2008. On August 19th I wrote about Perspective. Little did I know how close to home this post would hit. On August 25th I was too heartbroken to say much. On August 30th I was Ready to talk about it. Finally, on September 16th, I shared what happened and my realization that Life Goes On (some of the links/images no longer work-sorry).

In the aftermath of such tragedy, the fact that life does go on almost feels inappropriate. How can life continue moving forward when there is so much lost? However, comfort, peace, and healing only come when you let go and give in to moving forward. It's a difficult dichotomy, but very true.